You Make Me Sick Excerpt

Back In The Day

“Jack still won’t have sex with me!” My best friend’s loud declaration about her college crush almost made me throw up the lime green jello shot I’d just slurped down. I glanced over at Nic, decked out in her cap and gown, her sweet face set in a dramatic pout as she gazed at Jack (aka Jackass) Bradley a few yards away, laughing it up with their fellow graduates. It was like watching a princess swoon over her Prince Charming. Of course he looked the part: tall and dark-eyed with a panty-dropper face and a personality as big as his white Chiclet-like teeth.

As if he could feel Nic’s loving gaze on him, Jack glanced up and grinned at her.

At me? His eyes went dead and his smile disappeared.

“Consider yourself lucky,” I grumbled, looking away before my glare set him on fire.

I reached into her bag of popcorn and shoved more into my mouth as I contemplated why I was at a rinky-dink carnival, eating greasy food, slurping down jello shots and hanging with a bunch of snooty people I barely knew.

Because I was a good friend, that’s why. This was Nic’s day. She was my girl and these were the people she’d spent the last four years in college with. The least I could do was hang out and let her enjoy herself, even if just being in Jack’s presence was giving me a monstrous stomachache. I wasn’t going to ruin Nic’s graduation night, so I swallowed my feelings with a handful of cotton candy and another jello shot I pulled out of my backpack. I knew tonight was gonna be a rough one so I made sure to add enough vodka to keep me perfectly tipsy.

“He said he doesn’t want to ruin our friendship,” Nic huffed. “Cherry, can you believe that?”

I rolled my eyes at Nic’s loose definition of the word friendship. From what I could tell, her and Jack’s relationship consisted of her throwing herself at him, him rejecting her then putting her in the friend zone where she secretly crushed on him while pretending they were BFFs. Nic lived in her own version of reality, so if that’s the lie she needed to tell herself to keep from getting her feelings hurt, then I’d live in that world with her.

From the moment I met Jack, I pegged him as the typical cocky jock stereotype. His loud, goofy swim team buddies who all seemed to be majoring in Dumbass 101 didn’t help his cause. What I quickly discovered was underneath that cocky demeanor and ridiculous number of Polo shirt/slack combos was a smart, funny guy who really seemed to care about Nic. He refused her clumsy (sometimes drunken) sexual advances when any other guy would have been in her panties without a second thought. I appreciated that about him and we vibed for awhile. Until the massive blowout at Nic’s apartment a few weeks back. Now, we couldn’t be in the same room with each other without going for throats.

“How could our making love ruin the friendship?” Nic sighed loudly, bringing me back to the present. “It could only make it better.”

I groaned as I watched the usual hearts shoot out of her eyes.

“The fact that you used the term making love is extremely disturbing.”

“Well, that’s what it would be.”

I burped. “You’re such a virgin.” I shook my head and shoved my jello shot at her. “If you want to suck on something, suck on this.”

Nic reached for it just as Jack walked up, graduation cap cocked to the side, his open gown flared out behind him like a damn superhero cape.

“Nic, how many of these have you had?” Frowning, he pulled the shot from my hand. “You know you’re a light weight. You don’t want to get sick.”

“What the hell? You are not the liquor police.” I reached for the jello shot but Jack snatched it away, sucked out the contents and dropped it into a nearby trash can.

“Somebody’s gotta look out for her ‘cause you sure as hell aren’t.” He glared at me.

“Fuck you, Jackass! It’s her graduation. She’s supposed to have fun.”

“Her yakking up all over my car later tonight isn’t gonna be fun for anybody.”

My smile was wicked. “It’d be fun for me.”

“That’s because you’re an evil little person.”

I gasped. “Who you calling little?!”

“Hey now!” Nic stepped between us. “Can we have a cease fire for one night? Please?” She looked back and forth between us, pleading with her big kewpie doll eyes.

“Fine.” Jack said.

“Whatever, ” I mumbled around another mouthful of cotton candy.

“Yay!” Nic clapped and did a little dance. It didn’t take much to make her happy. Twirling to stand between us, she looped our arms. “Let’s go play some games!”

Thirty minutes later, we walked down the main strip, Nic in between us, carrying the ginormous unicorn I’d won for her and me smiling ear to ear because I’d beat Jack to win it.

“Oooooh, the Tilt-A-Whirl!” Nic’s eyes lit up and before I knew it, we were through the line, on the platform and trying to squeeze into one of the small domed cars.

“Nic, your unicorn’s ass is in my face!” I flipped the unicorn tail to the side.

Wedged in the corner beside me, Jack spit out a mouthful of my braids.

“I don’t think we’re gonna fit,” Nic grunted, still trying to shove the unicorn in ahead of her.

“Yo!” We all jumped as an extremely agitated ride operator appeared over Nic’s shoulder. “I gotta get this ride started. Either get rid of the horse or ride with it in another car.”

Without waiting for an answer, he yanked the unicorn out, slammed the safety bar down and led Nic to the next car over where he tossed her and her mount inside.

I looked back at Jack then over at her in horror.

“It’s fine!” she yelled. “It’ll give y’all a chance to bond!” She grinned and waved at us with a unicorn hoof.

That’s my girl, a milk-chocolate Pollyanna.

But, my analysis of Nic’s character traits quickly faded into the background once the Tilt-A-Whirl started tilting and whirling. About thirty seconds in, I realized I’d made a huge mistake. Big time. I never should have stepped foot on that stupid ride.

The stomachache I’d been nursing the past hour was morphing into a full-fledged Battle Royale as the popcorn, cotton candy, jello shots and centrifugal force waged war in my belly, creating the perfect gastrointestinal storm. One second I was pressed to the wall, the next I was pressed against the back of the car and the next…I was spewing my own brand of carnival salsa all over Jackass Bradley.

Now

“Happy birthday, Cher!”

I’d recognize that throaty purr anywhere. I looked up from the thick burger sizzling on the grill and watched my boss, Delilah glide across the backyard towards me, her ballet background evident in every step. I’m not exaggerating when I say glide. That woman moved like she walked on water. And from the lusty looks guys were throwing her way, they thought she did, too. Even my neighbor’s cat, Sylvester stopped hunting for food scraps long enough to admire her sashay.

She wrapped me in a huge, swaying hug, almost knocking the wind out of me.

“You look good for thirty, girl.” She said, pulling back with a smile, her brown eyes sparkling behind her blunted bangs.

I patted my curly pink faux hawk and struck a sexy pose. “Who you telling?”

We shared a knowing look, then chorused: “Black don’t crack.”

Delilah looked out over the backyard, taking in the party. Folks chatted around glammed up picnic tables that dotted the yard, outdoor speakers pumped old-school hip hop music into the air while the people on the deck danced, forcing anyone who came out the back door down a Soul Train line. It was mostly my co-workers and a few of Nic’s friends who I didn’t really know. But that’s how it worked with her. Nic was a people magnet. She’d meet somebody standing in line at the grocery store and by the time they walked out, she was a bridesmaid in their wedding or something crazy like that.

No joke. That actually happened.

“The house looks amazing. I love the new color.” Delilah wagged her finger at me. “I see what you’re doing, marking your territory.”

I eyed the beautiful, light-blue monstrosity with pride. “If Grams is really thinking about selling, I may actually pee on it. I want her to know I’m serious.”

Delilah laughed. “That should get your point across.”

“Or get me kicked out, depending on her mood.” I flipped another burger. “But once its mine, no more housemates.” I raised my spatula to the heavens. “Hallelujah.”

I’d been renting the two-story split-level house from Nic’s grandmother ever since she’d moved to California to buy and run a marijuana dispensary two years ago. She rented out the downstairs bedroom to make some extra cash, which meant I’d had my fair share of housemates. Most of them were cool, but I’d give both pinky toes not have to live with another one.

I looked up at Delilah with a sly smile, batting my eyelashes and hoping the sun was hitting my beautiful browns just right. “You wanna give The Birthday Girl a raise so I can make the down payment sooner?”

Delilah batted her eyelashes right back. “You wanna get out from behind that desk and get your fine little ass on stage?”

“I can twerk with the best of ‘em, but choreographed dancing is not my thing.” I shrugged. “I’ll stick to my managerial duties, thankyouverymuch.”

“You do you.” She surveyed the crowd.

“Where’s Nic?” She glanced down at me and I quirked an eyebrow.

“Late,” we said in unison.

I loved Nic like a sister, but getting anywhere on time for a social function was a concept she couldn’t seem to comprehend.

“But in her defense, I’m pretty sure she’s picking up my cake so I’m giving her a pass.”

And like it was prophesy, Nic stepped out onto the back deck holding a large, white birthday cake. She shimmied down the Soul Train line, trying not to set anybody on fire with the gazillion candles blazing on top of it.

“Cake!” I booty-bumped Delilah out of the way and streaked across the grass. Cake outranks maturity every time.

Nic weaved through tables, singing Happy Birthday (the Stevie Wonder version) then put the cake on The Birthday Girl table in the center of the backyard. She’d decorated it with a stunning amount of 30-themed decor: massive balloons, confetti, napkins, a banner and the main attraction, a life-sized cut out of me from my last birthday. I was completely wasted but had a huge grin on my face. I’d screamed in terror when I first saw it, but I’d grown on me. Now it was creepy cute.

Everyone crowded around as I approached the table with a big smile. I laughed, reading the writing in hot pink icing: Happy 30th Birthday! Another year closer to Shady Pines. Nic knew how much I loved any and all references to The Golden Girls.

“I hate your ass.”

She hugged me. “Liar. You know you love me.”

“You couldn’t have just gotten a thirty candle?” I nervously eyed the fire hazard.

“And miss watching you try to blow them all out? Nuh uh.” She giggled, draping her ass-length locs over her shoulder so she could pull her phone out of the back pocket of her shorts. “This is going on the interwebs.”

I rolled my eyes, but obediently bent over and pursed my lips, so Nic could get her photo opp.

Five minutes later, I’d finished cutting the cake and was threatening to cut Nic if she ever pulled a stunt like that again. Blowing out 30 candles was a bitch.

“Imagine what it’s gonna be like when you turn 40,” she teased, handing me a big slice. “It might just burn the house down.”

“You ain’t funny.” I threw my head back and dropped a piece in my mouth, just as Delilah’s eyes latched onto something over my shoulder.

“Yum-my. I’d like a piece of that on a plate.”

A millisecond later Nic zoned in, too. She squeaked. I turned to see who could have made Nic’s already big eyes take over the entire top half of her face.

My breath caught in my throat…along with the chunk of cake. Half went down the wrong pipe, the other half sailed out of my mouth on the wings of a loud, hacking cough. Through tear-filled eyes, I watched in horror as Jack Bradley dougied his way down the Soul Train line and into my birthday party.